A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live. Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have major cosmetic surgery: a face lift, liposuction, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures, since she's got another 30 or 40 years, she might as well make the most of it. She walks out the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrives in front of God and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?" God replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."

 Funny Joke

A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second"

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. 
Saint Peter addresses this guy: "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" 
The guy replies: "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City." 
St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." 
The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary Church for the last forty-three years." 
St. Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." 
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?" 
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

A missionary met a lion as he was walking from one village to another.
The missionary fell to his knees and buried hi face in his hands. Nothing seemed to be happening; the lion was silent. The missionary peeped through his fingers and saw the lion on its knees, its face buried in his paws. The missionary in a trembling voice, I am praying to be delivered from the jaws of death. But what on earth are you doing?
The lion growled, Im saying grace.

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

Three Scientists were talking to God, "Hey God we don't need you anymore we can make Man ourselves". God said "O really", and the scientists said, "yea, as a matter of fact why don't we have a contest who can make a man faster you or us", So God said "O.K". So the scientists went back to his friends and said "we are going to have a contest with God to see who can make a man faster Him or us". So the first scientist went out and scooped up a big pile of dirt, just then a bolt of lightning struck the ground near the man making him drop the pile of dirt, looking up at God he said "what"! God said, "get your own dirt".